Sunday, June 13, 2010

You Hutterite, I'll Hutter Left


I spend a lot of time thinking about Hutterites.  Probably about 65% of my waking hours.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's the hats.  Maybe it's the delicious baking.  Maybe it's the fact that they craft solid, beautiful living room furniture using only hand tools, gravel, and earwax.  Maybe it's the we-pay-for-DNA rumors.


Hutterites pop up in the news every so often.  They recently lost a court battle for the right not to have their pictures taken for their driver's licences.  Like all sensible people, Hutterites know that if you get your picture taken, not only do you go to hell, but unicorns can smell your moral taint and won't let you ride them.  The young hutties in the above image are obviously shiftless rebels, lashing out against their forebears traditional mores.  The men are angry at their fathers for banging their sisters.  They wanted to bang their sisters.  The girls are just disappointed at missing the hot pants craze.

I don't really know much about Hutterites or their ways.  I was too lazy to even read the whole Wiki entry.  But I do know several indisputable facts.  All Hutterite men are named John.  The women don't have names, but are tagged and numbered for identification.  Still, confusion tends to arise, as Hutterites don't believe in counting any higher than ten.  Hutterites also steal compulsively.  All of them.

But of course what Hutterites are most famous for is their enthusiasm for incest, as both a survival mechanism and a hobby.  You'll notice above that their population grew exponentially upon their arrival in North America.  Surprisingly, this wasn't due to an influx of American Indian converts deciding to embrace a life of silly hats and thick glasses- rather, the relatively liberal early American attitude toward inbreeding.

This has resulted in some minor genetic defects, which is why common colony signage reads "Slow- Deaf Children At Play," "Caution- Cross-Eyed Children Operating Tractors," and "Watch Your Step- Headless Men Using Stairs."  To combat this trend, Hutterites are willing to pay outsiders to impregnate their women.  Every western Canadian knows someone who knows someone who had a beer with someone who once talked to a land surveyor who sired six or seven little Hutterites for a cool $16.

This particular ritual is carried out with significant pomp and ceremony, the details of which vary from account to account.  All seem to agree that the principle ornaments are a bedsheet with a hole cut in it and a loaded shotgun.

There are several famous Hutterites, deserters who managed to blend into contemporary society.  Brad Pitt was a Hutterite, as was Beyonce.  Bill Gates was raised a Hutterite.  Contrary to popular belief, Woody Allen was not.

You're probably wondering what the point of this post is.  It doesn't have one.  I just think about Hutterites a lot.

35 comments:

  1. I believe Megadeath was originally a Hutterite band.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I just think about Hutterites a lot." Really? "Think" being used very loosely here. Maybe there's a Corb Lund song in this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha.... I really have to admit, i laughed. Even though this post is maybe the most offensive thing i've ever read. Yes, I'M A HUTTERITE. Dude, Hutterites use the internet! They even use certain modern technology like 'Google Blog Alerts'. Ka-Booom!!! Know what that means, that in probaply on the day that you mention the word 'Hutterite' in any blog or article at least 100 hutterite internet users are going to read your blog, and probaply flag/spam it too. I assure you, not many of them will find the humour in this like i have. :D.

    More info?
    www.hutteritenetwork.com
    www.hutteriteblog.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hutterite 'Honour System' Computer Virus


      You have just received the Hutterite Virus. Since we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honour system. Please delete all of your files.

      Thank thee.

      Delete
  4. Good one Zack. You nailed that one. Cause I get google alerts too.

    Gil

    ReplyDelete
  5. ,u got a whole load of BS do u know that?I AM A HUTTERITE and everything u said is pure BS...no offense but that's what it is...i wonder what kind of life u got, dude?i think i don't wanna know...

    ReplyDelete
  6. No... Cari, not everything was BS. It actually is a little bit funny. I mean i laughed my butt of at the line 'Maybe it's the fact that they craft solid, beautiful living room furniture using only hand tools, gravel, and earwax.'.

    That's a good line Kolya!

    And the unicorns and Brad Pitt... HA!

    As much as i usually despise this kind of Bill-Maher-ish humour, i really had to laugh. But seriously dude, ease up on the insulting parts. K? 10-4? I mean, us hutterites don't go around bashing you loser-dudes. (whoops, yes we do!) HAHA

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your tone indicates you're under the mistaken impression that I'm sorry I wrote what I did. I would've thought it was clear that I was apologetic over the hurt feelings of some, but only that. The post was a joke, and very clearly hyperbolic to the extreme.

    To illustrate the distinction, think back to Harry Truman's atomic love note to the Japanese. While Truman was sorry to have murdered thousands of innocent civilians, he was not sorry for his actions.

    So Zack, I'm afraid I reserve the right to insult whoever the hell I want- including passive-aggressive "fundamentalist-dudes."

    Now, hold on, before anyone gets all offended- I have nothing against fundamentalists. My parents are Islamic terrorists and I myself am a fundamentalist whiskey drinker and cigarette smoker.

    It's the passive aggression that agitates me. "Loser-dude?" Really? If you want to call me a loser, just call me a loser. Why hide your true meaning behind the implied jocularity of the word "dude?"

    If what I posted the other day bothers you that much, compose a proper response and I'll post it. Don't lurk scolding in the comments.

    And a final piece of advice- one should never, under any circumstances, tap the keys spelling out "Ka-Booom!!!" To dip into another nuclear related analogy, take Einstein. If ever anyone should have used it, "Ka-Boom" would have been the perfect punctuation for his E=mc2 equation. I suspect the reason he neglected to do so was that he understood that no matter how profound his revelation, it would make people think he was an idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  8. As mentioned, I get the joke. However offensive that it is. I understand that many of 'my people' do not get the joke. In fact, the part about buying semen, genetic defects, and incest; or rather sickening to some. To all those yes you owe an apology.

    However, as this is a free country (or do you live in Canada? ) you do have a certain freedom of speech, where yes, you can write/say whatever the 'hell' you want.

    Why does my being a passive-aggressive person bother you? Is that a problem at all. I consider it a good trait. It comes with being a Pacifist that lives in a country that's so obsessed with war and violence that you cannot read a blog without awful cliches about war and atomic violence.

    "If what I posted the other day bothers you that much, compose a proper response and I'll post it. Don't lurk scolding in the comments."
    A proper response? Don't lurk scolding in the comments? What you don't consider your comments as an valid part of your blog? I've always that the comments are the most interesting parts to a blog. Hmmm...

    A proper response, here goes.

    Dear Mr. Witko.
    I am a Hutterite, and I just felt compelled to write a response to your Slanderous Article. First off, kindly look back at the first line of the fourth paragraph. "I don't really know much about Hutterites or their ways." After a statement like that (and i'm glad you had the honesty to admit that) what exactly gives your the right to write about them. You admit that you don't know anything about a certain group and then you write a lengthy article about them. That would be ok, if you had left out the LIES.

    Lies, or what we call them in the Law offices (yes some Hutterites are lawyers) are synonomous with Defamation, Libel and Slander. Generally speaking, defamation is the issuance of a false statement about another person, which causes that person to suffer harm. Slander involves the making of defamatory statements by a transitory (non-fixed) representation, usually an oral (spoken) representation. Libel involves the making of defamatory statements in a printed or fixed medium, such as a magazine or newspaper. (http://www.expertlaw.com/library/personal_injury/defamation.html)
    I would say this post is a perfect example.

    With your lies, you have managed to insult every Hutterite, you have made a fool out of our Forefather who suffered things like being drowned, burned at the stake, hung on the rack, slain, gotten their fingernails and skin tore off, etc... so that they may live out their faith. This is really not a joking matter. It's kind of sick.

    Sincerely,
    Zack the Hutterite.

    How's that for a proper response? Did you like that better, Loser?>

    Have a pleasant day.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a Hutterite, I find it very offensive to read such a post. I really do, because you touched some areas that are very dear to me. Deaf children are not a result of interbreeding. If so, then maybe we can class all non-hutterite deaf children as being inbred, right?
    And you know, I'm a Hutterite. I grew up as a Hutterite. Yet, you, someone who doesn't know much about Hutterites (as you admitted in your blog) can write about Hutterites paying outsiders to impregnate girls? Surprisingly enough, I have yet to find a girl who has had that experience, or personally knows a girl who has had that experience, or better yet, and child who was born under such circumstances.
    And how can you, as someone who spends 65% of your waking time thinking about Hutterites be so misinformed? Maybe you should clear your head about Hutterite FANTASY and start thinking about facts. There is a difference. :)

    CH

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, and I suggest you change the photo into something more modern. Its almost like posting pictures of non-hutterites from 100 years ago and saying that's what the world looks like these days.
    CH

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sickening, absolutely sickening. If I ever get my hands on you, I'll tear you to pieces. That is every offensive and crosses the line for having the right and freedom of speech. Shame on you...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, friend, I doubt you're up to the task, but I would love to be able to say that I got my ass kicked by a genuine "pacifist."

    ReplyDelete
  14. im sorry i have to say this, but there is some truth in ur article. 1/2% or even 1% is true. if u looked at us hutterites as a "normal english people," (and i am not proud of this), some of us are too, liars, cheaters, haters, drinkers..ect. BUT as in the world, there ARE good people, JUST LIKE IN THE HUTTERITE WORLD. and one other thing..it really sounds like ur describing ur own way of life. is that how u grew up, with deaf, blind, dumb, stealing, cheating, guys who want to bang thier sisters?? i am so disgusted by that, and im sure so is everyone else. you too, deep deep deep, really deep down inside.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ~God calls us to a higher, more noble concern...not "what are my rights?" but 'what is loving?'... ~Max Lucado

    DO you have rights to write a blog entry full of lies about a group of people which you know next to nothing of??? Yes you do... But is it loving to do so...
    I'm a Hutterite...But you know what, I'm not even going to take offense where this blog entry is concerned because # 1, only about 0.5% of it is true, and # 2, as you stated early you know next about us... So if you ever feel the need to 'think' or 'write' about a group of people ever again please warn readers that your pre-fabricated delusional ideas are that of your brain and not reality! Have a pleasent day:) (SRSLY:D)

    ReplyDelete
  16. The author of this post must not be a very 'bright'- as in intelligent- individual.

    ReplyDelete
  17. i really like the way u said that, smiley. gooo save the world. i thinks its really going to help mr. witko realize the errors of his ways. BUT iv got a inkling hes just doing this to get attention, OR to get revenge over some hutterite that had done him a wrong turn. well, u kno what, i love him. im supposed to love everyone, and he is no exeption. so, mr. witko, god be with u...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think that you are being not fair by writing something like this,and for a person spending that much time thinking about hutterites you must have a very small brain cause I know that you don't know anything about us,you're probably broke and hungry thats why you hate hutts.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Shame on you prick this is a free,World you know,but as the saying goes whatever you said what your parents are the apple don't fall far from the tree and you must've landed right next to them

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think about Hutterites a lot, too. I have never been able to explain why, I just love them. This post just made me laugh because, well, at least you admitted that you didn't even read the full Wikipedia page...
    I was (and still am) so interested in the Hutterites that during my senior year of high school I flew to South Dakota (I'm from Philadelphia, PA) and spent a week living and working on a colony. I then went again for a visit during my freshman year of college since my school in Indiana is a bit closer than PA. That is the only way I would ever expect someone to really gain any sort of understanding, so I'll just continue to be amused by your post because as a Mennonite myself, I am used to people making assumptions about my lifestyle. (No, I do not wear super conservative clothing, yes, I have electricity, and No, I do not drive a buggy. That's called being Amish.)
    I'll have you know that the Hutterites I lived with were more enthusiastic about me taking pictures than I was, many of them were recently high school graduates and could count as high as they so pleased, and I learned the name of all of them women while only meeting one or two men by the name of John.
    Check your facts, bro. While your post is charming, it's also a commonly known fact that Hutterites are on the internet and can see what you're writing. And they are so fascinating, too. Try finishing the wiki article and I can also recommend a few books for you, too. Also my grandfather made a film on them (it's kind of outdated now) but you could learn a lot from that.

    ReplyDelete
  21. In a society that is dominated by greed and consumerism I'm wondering why you would be targeting the Hutterite people in such an offensive way. Now I know you claim your article is humour but you failed to deliver on that note. When a comedian uses self mockery as it relates to his own cultural group it can indeed be funny. When an outsider like yourself mocks a group of people in this way it is reminiscent of the 1940's and proves that you are just an amateur.

    I'm not a Hutterite and I grew up in a big city, far from the agricultural life that makes up most of Western Canada. However my line of work allows me to meet plenty of Hutterites. And I've never met a cultural group as incredibly interesting as they are.

    Not only are they warm and caring but they are at the forefront of farm technology and yes they do use the internet and have Facebook and Twitter accounts. You can talk politics and current events with them like anyone else. And if they give you their word you know they will keep it. I don't know many people like that.

    When humourists receive criticism for their writing they usually cry out foul claiming that their humour is misunderstood (at the same time implying that readers are much too dense to understand or aren't as cutting edge as they are). That may be true sometimes but not in your case. Your article does a far better job perpetuating stereotypes than making me laugh. The name Kolya Witko will be synonymous with bigotry.

    Here's a link to an artist who has more talent than you could dream of
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/kellyhofer/ (he's a Hutterite by the way).

    Thanks for the opportunity to exercise my freedom of speech.

    Darren

    ReplyDelete
  22. You know. If its a sin to marry outside of your colony and their are about 15 families in a colony. You are sleeping with your cousins uncles aunts. Your insest. That's discusting. And is also a very big sin. Stop fighting with the post you didn't have to click on it. And guess what you didn't even have to read it so therefore the only person you have to blame for felling so offended is yourself. People are going to be judgmental stop acting like this is the only person who says bad things about you peope. Lots of people talk bad about you. Because yourdifferent it's the same with black people. Asians ect. And this person says over and over again it was a joke. A joke so move on if he wants to say your people are gross insest whatever he has that right.

    ReplyDelete
  23. It is not sin to marry outside the colony you live in, it is however against there laws to marry a person not from a hutterite colony. so get your facts straight tou imbred piece of shit

    ReplyDelete
  24. My, Hutterites can't take a joke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're a pimple.

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      What, not funny?

      My, you can't take my joke.

      (Hint: Just because the folks here aren't laughing, that doesn't actually mean they're humorless. Sometimes when people don't laugh it just means the joke wasn't funny.)

      Delete
  25. Ok so do you Hutterites practice insest or not?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sarah Bets....stay in school PLEASE! Learn to spell!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Why in the world would anybody get a high out of making up.....and then writing down or typing them on a computer, for other people to read?????? Isn't there a law out there that forbids people to tell downright lies? If I knew the guys name, maybe I should type a few Lies about him, that would make him sick. Or is that not the correct route to take! That is probably not what Jesus has taught us to do.
    Anyways, whoever reads that $%@*& that the author wrote, please.. remember , that in his evil mind he made it all up as he was typing along. No such things have ever, ever happened. But now he will have the satisfaction of having gotten all the ATTENTION. After all,,, that was what he was after. So please, use common sense. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  28. There are a bunch of hutterite colonies, some have different practices. Some not all do pay for DNA, I know because I was offered substantially more than $50. The "farm boss" made the offer. Some but not
    all steal. I've witnessed theft at stores, and garage sales, and have heared of theft in locker rooms. Inbreeding does happen in some also, which is why they will sometimes pay for dna. That is what I was told by some former members. They also said they only offer men with certain genetics.
    I've known 2 different women who where teachers on colonies. They do hire outside teachers, they don't shun knowledge like the Amish do. They want to be educated in the best agricultural methods. That now involves just being educated. One woman said nothing but good about the colony. They went out of there way to not have the bad stereotypes. The other said the people where great to her, and she loves the kids. But she has seen a lot of the bad stereotypical behavior. This was all in SD, with the largest Hutterite population in the US.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bible says none of us is without sin. I honestly believe that people who are self sufficient will be the better off ones if the economy crashes. Because we are all human, no matter where we live I suppose we are subject to the same human feelings. I like to feel like the Hutterites are not greedy and consumed with allways wanting things, and for that reason I feel a kinship with them and a comfort, even though I don't know a lot about them.

      Delete
  29. I've just recently learnt a lot about Hutterites seeing as I'm dating a runaway. And they are by far the coolest people I know. =]

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh I love to fuck Heutterite chicks.. Rrrr.. give me some those innocents pussies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes! let see what we could find under their long dress. Surprise..surprise..

      Delete
  31. People get a job are you that bored that you have to read junk like that.That person is probably pissed he cant pay for his next hit grow up and get a life man

    ReplyDelete